Hog on the Run
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
By way of explanation
I'd love to say that I've been to Peru or something in order to explain my regrettable absence, but no, I just have a nasty case of blogstipation. Maybe I need to read War and Peace or something equally fibrous in order to move the blockage. Ho hum.
In the meantime, I got some fabric that I ordered from the States, which was fairly exciting. Anyone got any good ideas as to what I could use this for? I got all enthusiastic when I saw it and had to have it, now it's going to sit in my vast fabric repository until I get around to ruining it in some pointlessly crafty project. Darn it.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Goods Man
I'm quite into my sewing, me.
I'm currently fashioning a dress to wear to a wedding in a couple of weeks, primarily so that I can say, when people ask, "What, this? Oh, it's just something I threw together for the occasion...". The danger is, of course, that people will furtively point and mutter close-mouthed "What is she wearing? It looks like she threw it together". It's Vogue pattern No. 2494, fact fans.
Anyway, for a couple of years I bought Burda's pattern magazine which had loads of designs every month. Lots of work, and I never actually completed anything I started, which is the story of my life. Today I took an urge to seek it out again, but of course, the Burda magazine is all in German, and my German sucks bigtime. So I translated it via the magic of Google and got this, which is better in every way from the original:
Camp Field Gallery
Long, narrowly, catchless (catchless?) - the blazer is elegance purely! The special attraction lies in the many division seams. They guarantee not only the perfect seat (eh?), but also the interesting look: The individual part consist times of poplin, time of satinstretch. Thus refined matte gloss effects develop (and to think I've always wanted a jacket with refined matte gloss effects). Further highlight is the slim sleeve. It is slit at the seam and approaches on the handrueken pointedly (thank God for that. I hate a sleeve that doesn't approach the handrueken pointedly). The coronation/culmination is the strengthened shoulder - absolutely camp field, absolutely point! (absolutely impossible to work out what they are getting at!)
"Goods Man" is the source that is listed all over the site for zips and things. I think. It's difficult to be sure. Have a look here
Six on a caper! Thus the order functions.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Okapi's Guide
To Job Interviews - new and improved!*
Preparations
The night before, discover a small amount of clear nail polish on your suit trousers at knee height. It looks as though a snail has just wandered over them, or a small child has used them as a hankie. As you only have one suit, remove the nail polish with a strong smelling solvent designed for the purpose. Realise that the trousers now reek of oranges. Attempt, futilely, to remove stench by dowsing them with water from the tap. Fail. Wash trousers in washing machine and hope they will dry by morning.
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
An Apology
For Sidekick, O light of my life.
There are some people who are easy to care for when they are unwell. They are gracious despite their discomfort, remaining cheerful no matter what.
It may surprise you to know that I am not one of these fabulous people.
Some say that women can bear more pain than men could ever take, and that a cold for a woman becomes flu for a man.
I like to buck a trend, me.
This week I hosted a cheery little gastric fluey virus, which did it's best to lay me low. Here is a short exchange between me and the saintly Sidekick, just to illustrate my point:
Me: "My head hurts." Pause. "My back hurts." Pause. "Have I got a temperature?"
Sidekick: (laying a kindly palm on my forehead for the nth time that day) "Yes, You are still pretty hot. Want a drink?"
Me: "No, I can't drink, I'll BE SICK!"
Sidekick: (Patiently) "Come on, you have to drink, you'll make yourself even worse."
Me: (Petulantly) "OK. Fizzy water. With the juice in it."
Sidekick: "Here. Try This."
Me: (Sipping a microscopic amount of fizzy water with the juice in it) "Bleiurgh! I CAN'T DRINK IT! I'LL BE SICK!"
Sidekick: You have to drink. I got you Ginger Beer, to settle your stomach, it's not the cheap crap either. Want a glass of that?"
Me: (Snappy now) "I can't drink it, when the fizzy hits my throat it makes me feel like I'm gonna hurl."
Sidekick: "OK, can I get you anything else? A bowl in case you throw up?"
Me: "I DON'T WANT A BOWL IDONT'TWANNABESICK! A damp towel?"
Sidekick: "OK....." (Rummages in the cupboard) "Er. Is a tea towel alright?"
Me: "YES whatever." (I slap the teatowel on my head and relax for approximately 30 seconds before...) "OH GOD now I'm too cold again."
Sidekick: (tucking me back under the covers again) "OK now? Just take it easy"
Me: (wailing and whinging, I disappear beneath the covers)
Repeat this endlessly until I feel better*, and Sidekick needs a week off work to recuperate.
Bless you. I think you are ace. And thanks for the teatowel, it was actually quite soothing.
*And I do! Today I could drop kick a horse.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
By way of explanation
I'd love to say that I've been to Peru or something in order to explain my regrettable absence, but no, I just have a nasty case of blogstipation. Maybe I need to read War and Peace or something equally fibrous in order to move the blockage. Ho hum.
In the meantime, I got some fabric that I ordered from the States, which was fairly exciting. Anyone got any good ideas as to what I could use this for? I got all enthusiastic when I saw it and had to have it, now it's going to sit in my vast fabric repository until I get around to ruining it in some pointlessly crafty project. Darn it.
In the meantime, I got some fabric that I ordered from the States, which was fairly exciting. Anyone got any good ideas as to what I could use this for? I got all enthusiastic when I saw it and had to have it, now it's going to sit in my vast fabric repository until I get around to ruining it in some pointlessly crafty project. Darn it.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Goods Man
I'm quite into my sewing, me.
I'm currently fashioning a dress to wear to a wedding in a couple of weeks, primarily so that I can say, when people ask, "What, this? Oh, it's just something I threw together for the occasion...". The danger is, of course, that people will furtively point and mutter close-mouthed "What is she wearing? It looks like she threw it together". It's Vogue pattern No. 2494, fact fans.
Anyway, for a couple of years I bought Burda's pattern magazine which had loads of designs every month. Lots of work, and I never actually completed anything I started, which is the story of my life. Today I took an urge to seek it out again, but of course, the Burda magazine is all in German, and my German sucks bigtime. So I translated it via the magic of Google and got this, which is better in every way from the original:
Camp Field Gallery
Long, narrowly, catchless (catchless?) - the blazer is elegance purely! The special attraction lies in the many division seams. They guarantee not only the perfect seat (eh?), but also the interesting look: The individual part consist times of poplin, time of satinstretch. Thus refined matte gloss effects develop (and to think I've always wanted a jacket with refined matte gloss effects). Further highlight is the slim sleeve. It is slit at the seam and approaches on the handrueken pointedly (thank God for that. I hate a sleeve that doesn't approach the handrueken pointedly). The coronation/culmination is the strengthened shoulder - absolutely camp field, absolutely point! (absolutely impossible to work out what they are getting at!)
"Goods Man" is the source that is listed all over the site for zips and things. I think. It's difficult to be sure. Have a look here
Six on a caper! Thus the order functions.
I'm currently fashioning a dress to wear to a wedding in a couple of weeks, primarily so that I can say, when people ask, "What, this? Oh, it's just something I threw together for the occasion...". The danger is, of course, that people will furtively point and mutter close-mouthed "What is she wearing? It looks like she threw it together". It's Vogue pattern No. 2494, fact fans.
Anyway, for a couple of years I bought Burda's pattern magazine which had loads of designs every month. Lots of work, and I never actually completed anything I started, which is the story of my life. Today I took an urge to seek it out again, but of course, the Burda magazine is all in German, and my German sucks bigtime. So I translated it via the magic of Google and got this, which is better in every way from the original:
Camp Field Gallery
Long, narrowly, catchless (catchless?) - the blazer is elegance purely! The special attraction lies in the many division seams. They guarantee not only the perfect seat (eh?), but also the interesting look: The individual part consist times of poplin, time of satinstretch. Thus refined matte gloss effects develop (and to think I've always wanted a jacket with refined matte gloss effects). Further highlight is the slim sleeve. It is slit at the seam and approaches on the handrueken pointedly (thank God for that. I hate a sleeve that doesn't approach the handrueken pointedly). The coronation/culmination is the strengthened shoulder - absolutely camp field, absolutely point! (absolutely impossible to work out what they are getting at!)
"Goods Man" is the source that is listed all over the site for zips and things. I think. It's difficult to be sure. Have a look here
Six on a caper! Thus the order functions.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Okapi's Guide
To Job Interviews - new and improved!*
Preparations
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
Preparations
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
An Apology
For Sidekick, O light of my life.
There are some people who are easy to care for when they are unwell. They are gracious despite their discomfort, remaining cheerful no matter what.
Some say that women can bear more pain than men could ever take, and that a cold for a woman becomes flu for a man.
This week I hosted a cheery little gastric fluey virus, which did it's best to lay me low. Here is a short exchange between me and the saintly Sidekick, just to illustrate my point:
Me: "My head hurts." Pause. "My back hurts." Pause. "Have I got a temperature?"
Sidekick: (laying a kindly palm on my forehead for the nth time that day) "Yes, You are still pretty hot. Want a drink?"
Me: "No, I can't drink, I'll BE SICK!"
Sidekick: (Patiently) "Come on, you have to drink, you'll make yourself even worse."
Me: (Petulantly) "OK. Fizzy water. With the juice in it."
Sidekick: "Here. Try This."
Me: (Sipping a microscopic amount of fizzy water with the juice in it) "Bleiurgh! I CAN'T DRINK IT! I'LL BE SICK!"
Sidekick: You have to drink. I got you Ginger Beer, to settle your stomach, it's not the cheap crap either. Want a glass of that?"
Me: (Snappy now) "I can't drink it, when the fizzy hits my throat it makes me feel like I'm gonna hurl."
Sidekick: "OK, can I get you anything else? A bowl in case you throw up?"
Me: "I DON'T WANT A BOWL IDONT'TWANNABESICK! A damp towel?"
Sidekick: "OK....." (Rummages in the cupboard) "Er. Is a tea towel alright?"
Me: "YES whatever." (I slap the teatowel on my head and relax for approximately 30 seconds before...) "OH GOD now I'm too cold again."
Sidekick: (tucking me back under the covers again) "OK now? Just take it easy"
Me: (wailing and whinging, I disappear beneath the covers)
Repeat this endlessly until I feel better*, and Sidekick needs a week off work to recuperate.
Bless you. I think you are ace. And thanks for the teatowel, it was actually quite soothing.
*And I do! Today I could drop kick a horse.
There are some people who are easy to care for when they are unwell. They are gracious despite their discomfort, remaining cheerful no matter what.
It may surprise you to know that I am not one of these fabulous people.
Some say that women can bear more pain than men could ever take, and that a cold for a woman becomes flu for a man.
I like to buck a trend, me.
This week I hosted a cheery little gastric fluey virus, which did it's best to lay me low. Here is a short exchange between me and the saintly Sidekick, just to illustrate my point:
Me: "My head hurts." Pause. "My back hurts." Pause. "Have I got a temperature?"
Sidekick: (laying a kindly palm on my forehead for the nth time that day) "Yes, You are still pretty hot. Want a drink?"
Me: "No, I can't drink, I'll BE SICK!"
Sidekick: (Patiently) "Come on, you have to drink, you'll make yourself even worse."
Me: (Petulantly) "OK. Fizzy water. With the juice in it."
Sidekick: "Here. Try This."
Me: (Sipping a microscopic amount of fizzy water with the juice in it) "Bleiurgh! I CAN'T DRINK IT! I'LL BE SICK!"
Sidekick: You have to drink. I got you Ginger Beer, to settle your stomach, it's not the cheap crap either. Want a glass of that?"
Me: (Snappy now) "I can't drink it, when the fizzy hits my throat it makes me feel like I'm gonna hurl."
Sidekick: "OK, can I get you anything else? A bowl in case you throw up?"
Me: "I DON'T WANT A BOWL IDONT'TWANNABESICK! A damp towel?"
Sidekick: "OK....." (Rummages in the cupboard) "Er. Is a tea towel alright?"
Me: "YES whatever." (I slap the teatowel on my head and relax for approximately 30 seconds before...) "OH GOD now I'm too cold again."
Sidekick: (tucking me back under the covers again) "OK now? Just take it easy"
Me: (wailing and whinging, I disappear beneath the covers)
Repeat this endlessly until I feel better*, and Sidekick needs a week off work to recuperate.
Bless you. I think you are ace. And thanks for the teatowel, it was actually quite soothing.
*And I do! Today I could drop kick a horse.
