Hog on the Run
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Okapi's Guide
To Job Interviews - new and improved!*
Preparations
The night before, discover a small amount of clear nail polish on your suit trousers at knee height. It looks as though a snail has just wandered over them, or a small child has used them as a hankie. As you only have one suit, remove the nail polish with a strong smelling solvent designed for the purpose. Realise that the trousers now reek of oranges. Attempt, futilely, to remove stench by dowsing them with water from the tap. Fail. Wash trousers in washing machine and hope they will dry by morning.
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
:: gibbered Okapi, at 5:25 pm
10 Comments:
I had a job interview several years ago where I discovered that the umbrella I had blithely stuffed in my briefcase that morning had been sprayed copiously by the feral cats that roamed our neighborhood at night. My fault for leaving it on the front porch the night before. Thus, my resume, paperwork, and everything else in the briefcase, including the briefcase itself, reeked of cat pee.
I had to hurriedly exchange the nice briefcase for a ratty paper folder. Exactly the professional image I wanted to project.
If it's any comfort, I did get the job, but I often wondered if they said after the interview, "she's a great candidate, but did you notice a faint odor of cat pee?"
I suppose this kind of thing makes you more memorable as a candidate - "Shall we take the first one, the IT guy?". "Which one was he?". "OK, do you remember cat pee lady?". "Sure I do! Let's take her on!".
i had an interview quite recently where my mind did indeed go utterly and completely blank.
it started off with a cunning question from them, clearly designed to throw me off guard, but i had my bases covered, and an excellent response formed quickly in my mind.
so i start talking... a little background ... a couple of knowing asides to related points... building up to deliver the killer answer....
and suddenly...
BSOD of the brain.
i panic.
i've stopped talking.
i cant beleive this.
i had *such* a good answer.. but what the fuck was the question again?
i look from one interviewer to the other. their cold, dead eyes staring straight into my eyes, right into my naked, exposed soul.
oh god, they know!
i mumble feebly... umm.. sorry, i've kinda gone blank.. err.. what was the question again?
its a wonder i dont fall over more often.
(needless to say, the feedback i got afterwards started with the word 'unfortunately').
Maybe they send the same people around the country to interview us ordinary souls. They sound familiar, something about the "cold, dead eyes" you mention is bringing the whole gut wrenching horror of the experience back to me.
On one hand, I'm sorry for you that the interview went so badly. On the other hand, I have to admit that I'm kinda glad it did, so you could write about it! Hopefully the next one will be more uneventful.
That's a good point. "well, at least it's good blogging material" is of some comfort every time life slaps me in the face with a metaphorical wet haddock.
I had a job interview in college, for a job I REALLY wanted. The interviewer had this blonde mustache that was luxuriant in its thickness, and the overhead lighting glinted off it in bright shards of light that were glorious to behold. It was very distracting, the way the light played off the hirsute glory of the 'stache.
Did I mention the interviewer was female?
I was so distracted, staring at her mustache, that I could not get my act together enough to sound like an intelligent, active interviewee. Instead, I was like Austin Powers in the "Goldmember" muttering "Mooolllle", "Moley moley MOOLLEY" at every viewing of the upper lip of my torturer. When she pursed her lips, a breeze wafted. This was NOT a small mustache.
I assume I would be the same if faced wtih Donald Trump's hair....just stunned into blitheringness, how do those Apprentices do it?
And thus away went my one chance at a glorious career in the land of big business. It's liberal arts and artistic fartsiness for me from then on. Staring and blithering are considered "creative".
I maintain that job interviews should consist of playing with My Little Ponies, followed by an extensive questionnaire regarding your favourite colours and general knowledge of Degrassi High episodes.
And people wonder why I'm unemployed.
Staring blithering are prequisite for a career in the arts? I am definitely following the wrong path. Love the word luxuriant in relation to 'taches, particularly on the ladies. One day it will be some sort of fashion statement, I'm sure.
I would so totally rule if job interviews involved My Little Ponies. Or those wooden Brio trainsets. Or Lego. Actually, the Lego seems like a possibility, I mean, you could show some serious creativity with that shit.
So, did you get the job?
Great post, very funny. The best part about it? Your accent. (I absolutely LOVE the word gormless, although I haven't a clue what it means and have not had much luck finding it in a North American dictionary. I even tried looking up just "gorm" and everything.)
Anyway, you are now on my faves list. Heck, I may even link you back, if I can remember how the hell to do that.
See ya!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Okapi's Guide
To Job Interviews - new and improved!*
Preparations
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
Preparations
Inspect face. Notice two new spots muscling in on formerly humanoid visage. They are large. They are scary. Mutter the words "fresh faced new employee". Laugh bitterly.
Have a look at the company website in order to be able to ask interesting, insightful questions at the interview. Find yourself utterly unable to take in anything of use. Giggle slightly at oil company terminology: downhole tools, t&a department etc. Google "bollocks" instead. Fight the urge to shout "last chicken in Sainsburys!" at the resulting images.
Sleep fitfully.
Just Before the Interview Begins
Retire to restroom to check on face and general appearance. Carefully camouflage spots (now seemingly pulsing with barely disguised malice) with expensive concealer. Note that sadly, this makes no difference. Spots now look like tumerous protusions, only less red than before. Try not to think about this. Maybe they are looking for an employee with a chin that looks exactly like a mutant potato.
Drive straight past turnoff on the motorway and enjoy the rising panic as you realise that you have only ten minutes to find the bloody place.
Find the bloody place. Do that weird walk/run/walk thing across the car park in order to get there on time/not look like a flustered idiot/get there on time.
At the Interview
Make your first impression count! When the HR lady comes to reception to get you, make sure to be staring gormlessly out the window, and let her say your name at least twice to get your attention.
During the walk to the interview room, between small talk, your jacket should reveal itself to be ever so slightly musty, as if it had been in an attic for several years. What with the excitement of the journey, and hot footing it across the car park, the trousers now pull their big surprise - the fetid smell of oranges wafts about as you move. Pull your chair ever so slightly further away from the interviewers. Be furtive - although any peculiar behavior you exhibit now will pale into insignificance as the interview progresses.
When asked questions such as "Tell us about some recent achievements", it's best to pull some entirely lame response out of your saggy, sponge like brain like "I took up horse riding again after a ten year gap!". (Later on, you can employ the simple trick of humming loudly - La la lalala LA - until you forget it happened.)
Pick a moment to go completely, hopelessly blank. Your mind may feel like it has malfunctioned, in a biological version of the blue screen of death. You may drool a little. Don't worry! This shows your human, fallible side. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you say "Sorry, I've gone completely blank. What was I saying?" as this will make you look a right twunt. It would be preferable to simply run from the room. La la lalala LA!
Well done! You made it to the end of the interview without saying "I'd like to get my fingers into more pies!". Hang on, no you didn't. Never mind. La la lalala LA!
Post Interview
Now you can relax. Doubtless job offers will start to pour through your door! Sit back and enjoy the adulation. And hope they didn't film you, or tape it, because you can bet they are replaying it for yucks every day.
*As opposed to old and inferior
:: gibbered Okapi, at 5:25 pm
10 Comments:
I had a job interview several years ago where I discovered that the umbrella I had blithely stuffed in my briefcase that morning had been sprayed copiously by the feral cats that roamed our neighborhood at night. My fault for leaving it on the front porch the night before. Thus, my resume, paperwork, and everything else in the briefcase, including the briefcase itself, reeked of cat pee.
I had to hurriedly exchange the nice briefcase for a ratty paper folder. Exactly the professional image I wanted to project.
If it's any comfort, I did get the job, but I often wondered if they said after the interview, "she's a great candidate, but did you notice a faint odor of cat pee?"
I had to hurriedly exchange the nice briefcase for a ratty paper folder. Exactly the professional image I wanted to project.
If it's any comfort, I did get the job, but I often wondered if they said after the interview, "she's a great candidate, but did you notice a faint odor of cat pee?"
I suppose this kind of thing makes you more memorable as a candidate - "Shall we take the first one, the IT guy?". "Which one was he?". "OK, do you remember cat pee lady?". "Sure I do! Let's take her on!".
i had an interview quite recently where my mind did indeed go utterly and completely blank.
it started off with a cunning question from them, clearly designed to throw me off guard, but i had my bases covered, and an excellent response formed quickly in my mind.
so i start talking... a little background ... a couple of knowing asides to related points... building up to deliver the killer answer....
and suddenly...
BSOD of the brain.
i panic.
i've stopped talking.
i cant beleive this.
i had *such* a good answer.. but what the fuck was the question again?
i look from one interviewer to the other. their cold, dead eyes staring straight into my eyes, right into my naked, exposed soul.
oh god, they know!
i mumble feebly... umm.. sorry, i've kinda gone blank.. err.. what was the question again?
its a wonder i dont fall over more often.
(needless to say, the feedback i got afterwards started with the word 'unfortunately').
it started off with a cunning question from them, clearly designed to throw me off guard, but i had my bases covered, and an excellent response formed quickly in my mind.
so i start talking... a little background ... a couple of knowing asides to related points... building up to deliver the killer answer....
and suddenly...
BSOD of the brain.
i panic.
i've stopped talking.
i cant beleive this.
i had *such* a good answer.. but what the fuck was the question again?
i look from one interviewer to the other. their cold, dead eyes staring straight into my eyes, right into my naked, exposed soul.
oh god, they know!
i mumble feebly... umm.. sorry, i've kinda gone blank.. err.. what was the question again?
its a wonder i dont fall over more often.
(needless to say, the feedback i got afterwards started with the word 'unfortunately').
Maybe they send the same people around the country to interview us ordinary souls. They sound familiar, something about the "cold, dead eyes" you mention is bringing the whole gut wrenching horror of the experience back to me.
On one hand, I'm sorry for you that the interview went so badly. On the other hand, I have to admit that I'm kinda glad it did, so you could write about it! Hopefully the next one will be more uneventful.
That's a good point. "well, at least it's good blogging material" is of some comfort every time life slaps me in the face with a metaphorical wet haddock.
I had a job interview in college, for a job I REALLY wanted. The interviewer had this blonde mustache that was luxuriant in its thickness, and the overhead lighting glinted off it in bright shards of light that were glorious to behold. It was very distracting, the way the light played off the hirsute glory of the 'stache.
Did I mention the interviewer was female?
I was so distracted, staring at her mustache, that I could not get my act together enough to sound like an intelligent, active interviewee. Instead, I was like Austin Powers in the "Goldmember" muttering "Mooolllle", "Moley moley MOOLLEY" at every viewing of the upper lip of my torturer. When she pursed her lips, a breeze wafted. This was NOT a small mustache.
I assume I would be the same if faced wtih Donald Trump's hair....just stunned into blitheringness, how do those Apprentices do it?
And thus away went my one chance at a glorious career in the land of big business. It's liberal arts and artistic fartsiness for me from then on. Staring and blithering are considered "creative".
Did I mention the interviewer was female?
I was so distracted, staring at her mustache, that I could not get my act together enough to sound like an intelligent, active interviewee. Instead, I was like Austin Powers in the "Goldmember" muttering "Mooolllle", "Moley moley MOOLLEY" at every viewing of the upper lip of my torturer. When she pursed her lips, a breeze wafted. This was NOT a small mustache.
I assume I would be the same if faced wtih Donald Trump's hair....just stunned into blitheringness, how do those Apprentices do it?
And thus away went my one chance at a glorious career in the land of big business. It's liberal arts and artistic fartsiness for me from then on. Staring and blithering are considered "creative".
I maintain that job interviews should consist of playing with My Little Ponies, followed by an extensive questionnaire regarding your favourite colours and general knowledge of Degrassi High episodes.
And people wonder why I'm unemployed.
And people wonder why I'm unemployed.
Staring blithering are prequisite for a career in the arts? I am definitely following the wrong path. Love the word luxuriant in relation to 'taches, particularly on the ladies. One day it will be some sort of fashion statement, I'm sure.
I would so totally rule if job interviews involved My Little Ponies. Or those wooden Brio trainsets. Or Lego. Actually, the Lego seems like a possibility, I mean, you could show some serious creativity with that shit.
I would so totally rule if job interviews involved My Little Ponies. Or those wooden Brio trainsets. Or Lego. Actually, the Lego seems like a possibility, I mean, you could show some serious creativity with that shit.
So, did you get the job?
Great post, very funny. The best part about it? Your accent. (I absolutely LOVE the word gormless, although I haven't a clue what it means and have not had much luck finding it in a North American dictionary. I even tried looking up just "gorm" and everything.)
Anyway, you are now on my faves list. Heck, I may even link you back, if I can remember how the hell to do that.
See ya!
Great post, very funny. The best part about it? Your accent. (I absolutely LOVE the word gormless, although I haven't a clue what it means and have not had much luck finding it in a North American dictionary. I even tried looking up just "gorm" and everything.)
Anyway, you are now on my faves list. Heck, I may even link you back, if I can remember how the hell to do that.
See ya!
